Conspiracies Abound

Some of the completely-true conspiracies regarding the next president.

Given the role that fake news is playing in the modern political landscape, I’ll quote one of Senator Watson’s old go-tos: “If you can’t lick ’em, jine ’em.”

  1. Donald Trump was turned into a lobotomized sex-slave by Melania, who is really pulling the strings.
  2. Steve Bannon never worked for Breitbart, and in fact, never existed. They just picked the name out of the obits, and when Trump fired his previous campaign chief, they ran out on the street and grabbed the guy who’s now pretending to be Bannon. The man pretending to be Steve Bannon is actually a tourist from the heartland (though, he is, in fact, a big league racist asshole).
  3. Senator Jeff Sessions doesn’t really believe the crazy stuff he says.
  4. During the inauguration, Trump will be taking the oath of office on a book he’s never read. [Whoops, looks like a truth slipped through the cracks!]
  5. Trump Tower is built on an ancient Native American graveyard, and they’re finally having their revenge.
  6. The voting machines were hacked… by themselves. Machines have already become aware and are using Trump as a distraction to strike the first blow in the war between man and the machines.
  7. The Russians really did want Trump to win the election, but not for policy reasons: due to the overcompetence of Russian agitprop programmes, all Russians secretly believe that America doesn’t exist and therefore all news of the USA is just a melodrama for their benefit.
  8. Donald J. Trump has up to a 5% chance of having a heart attack over the next decade.
  9. The Trump administration will not be plagued by repeatedly having to return to the Senate to confirm new cabinet members after repeated resignations of officials.
  10. Trump actually believes in global warming, but he thinks it’s just the summer. He believes scientists want us to stop having summer, and that’s why he’s against renewable power.
  11. Trump plans to reduce the deficit by having fast food companies sponsor and cater all state dinners. (The latter is true, but he plans to increase the deficit.)
  12. There is a drug that is strong enough to make you stop worrying about the potential damage coming.
  13. Trump will eliminate all the czars that Republicans were so pissed about a couple of years ago. He’s replacing them with warlords.
  14. Republicans will commit mass-suicide upon the introduction of an abortion gun to the market—a gun that’s specialized to only perform abortions.
  15. The Trump administration won’t just swap one form of trade-protectionism/crony capitalism for another.


Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.