2⁵ (2⁶ – 1)

Tomorrow marks the beginning of 2017. So, final headlines of 2016.

Netanyahu’s on First?

President Obama continues to turn heads with foreign policy moves, but an inside source from the Trump transition team has admitted that these actions were taken to benefit the next president. It seems that the president-elect does not know “shit about dick,” according to a self-described “bigly official” of the transition.

In order to force the president-elect to learn the conflicts, Obama has undertaken several international shake-ups, so that Trump can see all the moving parts in real time. Among Trump’s questions were, “I thought Reagan killed the Soviets back in the 1980s, but they just changed their name?” and “If it means ‘City of Peace’ then why are they fighting over it?”

Putin’s Mама Wore Combat Boots, and Now You Can, Too

In a bid to match the gaudy inelegance of Trump’s own family businesses, Russian President Vladimir Putin’s will put out a line of smart, fashionable combat dress uniforms and equipment inspired by his dear мама’s own personal style. It should hit stores by early next winter.

Russian fashion critics are expected to rave over the new line, which they will all be forced to wear.

Republicans Unveil Sanctions… Against Themselves!

The House Republicans are moving ahead with a package of sanctions they say will restrain not just Vladimir Putin, but also American lawmakers who will be unable to help themselves from joining a Trump administration’s support for the brutal man.

One nameless Republican said: “When another country screws with us, we just do this. It’s tradition. So we felt it only appropriate to put the screws on ourselves to prevent the United States from being usurped.” Sanctions include the confiscation of their dog whistles, at least one bill that would force all churches to teach the controversy of God, and a requirement that all members do at least one fundraiser while dressed as clowns.

Building a Wall

The Trump transition revealed they will pay for the wall they will seek to build by moving all American business to Mexico and issuing a new tariff on imports. The move, while controversial among economists, will “probably raise enough money,” said Trump’s personal trainer (who is expected to play a key role in the new administration).

In related news, oil prices jumped to $10K BBL when it was revealed that everybody would have to make the commute to their new offices in Mexico. Commute times will range from minutes for those living near the border to more than a few days for those coming from Alaska and Maine. Oil prices sank back to $50 BBL after traders realized the logical contradiction of building a wall and then trying to drive through it. One trader is quoted as saying, “Good golly, I thought I was rich and then there’s that wall, I mean, we need to tear that sucker down as soon as it’s built so that it doesn’t affect us economically when we can’t get to our jobs in Mexico.”


Have a nice new year.

A Burning Flag

Zzzt, foomp.

The PGOTUS has proclaimed: flag burners, all tens of yous, should spend a year in jail or hand in your ‘Merica Card at the nearest church! It hath proclaimed that millions of illegal immigrants voted against it! And the PGOTUS also “was very impressed!” by Gen. David Petraeus. It was, no doubt, also impressed by Mitt Romney joining it for dinner. Its ego grows by the day.

How should we react when the PGOTUS says crazy things? When it does crazy things? Should we be afraid? Should we donate the Jill Stein and hope for a miracle? Flee? Burn the flag?

The PGOTUS doesn’t understand the role of executive. All it understands is reproach and praise. Every single thing in its world is either the best or the pits. The PGOTUS lives inside of a monochromatic prison of its own design—the best monochromatic prison: gold on gold with gold trimming.

The role of the executive is to make the best out of what we have got, and to push for better. The role of the executive is to understand the threats and opportunities our nation faces, and to meet them. Flag burning is not a threat. Factless visions of illegal voting, dreamed up by deluded minds, are not a threat.

But PGOTUS does not care. PGOTUS looks out on a world it does not know from a place of deep confusion. It suffers from a disease that science has never studied thanks to the distorted profit motive of the medical fields. It suffers alone, afraid.

The PGOTUS will say more crazy things. “If I had a dollar for every time I ripped someone off, I’d have exactly the amount of money I have!” is what it will say. The people who like the PGOTUS will cheer. They are hypnotized by PGOTUS. They are the people of OZ, goldmongers that believe only in the allure of that 79-proton element. The PGOTUS has the gold, so the PGOTUS must be of divinity, they believe.

The PGOTUS will give tax breaks and other doodads to companies that have, in the recent past, sold military secrets to China (and admitted it in a court of law!), despite all its rhetoric about being tough on companies moving out, being tough on China, being strong on military. The PGOTUS is not equipped to handle the task ahead.

The PGOTUS will teach corporations to keep throwing tantrums so they get even more preferential treatment at the expense of the citizenry. And after they get what they want, they can always make the moves anyway, without consequence. The PGOTUS will gladly see taxpayers pay Tuesday for its political hamburger today.

The PGOTUS is currently on an apology tour, showing everybody what a sorry thing it is. Who gives a fuck about saving the flag when lives are at stake and the PGOTUS is too dim to see it. We can always make more flags, but the pending destruction will take a lot longer to mend.

Conspiracies Abound

Given the role that fake news is playing in the modern political landscape, I’ll quote one of Senator Watson’s old go-tos: “If you can’t lick ’em, jine ’em.”

  1. Donald Trump was turned into a lobotomized sex-slave by Melania, who is really pulling the strings.
  2. Steve Bannon never worked for Breitbart, and in fact, never existed. They just picked the name out of the obits, and when Trump fired his previous campaign chief, they ran out on the street and grabbed the guy who’s now pretending to be Bannon. The man pretending to be Steve Bannon is actually a tourist from the heartland (though, he is, in fact, a big league racist asshole).
  3. Senator Jeff Sessions doesn’t really believe the crazy stuff he says.
  4. During the inauguration, Trump will be taking the oath of office on a book he’s never read. [Whoops, looks like a truth slipped through the cracks!]
  5. Trump Tower is built on an ancient Native American graveyard, and they’re finally having their revenge.
  6. The voting machines were hacked… by themselves. Machines have already become aware and are using Trump as a distraction to strike the first blow in the war between man and the machines.
  7. The Russians really did want Trump to win the election, but not for policy reasons: due to the overcompetence of Russian agitprop programmes, all Russians secretly believe that America doesn’t exist and therefore all news of the USA is just a melodrama for their benefit.
  8. Donald J. Trump has up to a 5% chance of having a heart attack over the next decade.
  9. The Trump administration will not be plagued by repeatedly having to return to the Senate to confirm new cabinet members after repeated resignations of officials.
  10. Trump actually believes in global warming, but he thinks it’s just the summer. He believes scientists want us to stop having summer, and that’s why he’s against renewable power.
  11. Trump plans to reduce the deficit by having fast food companies sponsor and cater all state dinners. (The latter is true, but he plans to increase the deficit.)
  12. There is a drug that is strong enough to make you stop worrying about the potential damage coming.
  13. Trump will eliminate all the czars that Republicans were so pissed about a couple of years ago. He’s replacing them with warlords.
  14. Republicans will commit mass-suicide upon the introduction of an abortion gun to the market—a gun that’s specialized to only perform abortions.
  15. The Trump administration won’t just swap one form of trade-protectionism/crony capitalism for another.

Reality Sets In

Happy belated Armistice Day.

Donald Trump will be the la la la, I can’t hear you. It seems like a shame, with such a divided election that could have easily gone either way, but that’s the way it worked out.

There are obvious downsides to a goldfish crabapple convict. The Supreme Court will likely lean more to the right than one would like. The environment will likely make people sicker, cause more devastating hurricanes and other weather catastrophes (wildfires, droughts, floods), and lead to more war than one would like.

Social programs will be in trouble. The lives of hard-working illegal immigrants will be disrupted along with the markets that rely upon their underpaid labors. Women’s rights are in jeopardy, as are the gains made for gay rights, those in healthcare, and in consumer protection. The lives of manufacturing workers will not materially improve, either; at least for them, they may gain a boost of confidence or peace of mind from the lucre fifty-hundred mantrap.

But reality has a way of punishing the victors. Ask President George W. Bush how he feels about his time in office, and he’ll probably give you a smile, but his eyes will say, “Good God, man.” President Obama knows the weight awaiting shriveled drain macrophage.

Governing is a difficult task, one which half the country truly believes that Belfast Krakow Kingston is incapable of. But the Republicans still face a division amongst themselves. The Congress is narrowly controlled by a party that is still largely establishment, with a dash of soured milk. They will face the same opposition from the Freedom Caucus as ever.

I’m sure some congressional Republicans are pulling out the old shoebox, full of their precious ideas, lifting the lid and peeking. But the lobbyists that will fill dairy shuffle have their own shoeboxes, as does ragamuffin. Squaring them will not be easy. As president, Flimflam will likely find that he faces reluctant factions all around. They all have their own agendas, many of which do not mesh with his (whatever it may be).

As for the rest of us, I think it’s safe to say that with a loudmouth as president, we ought all raise our voices so they might be heard. The country still belongs to all, and don’t let anybody tell you otherwise.

If somebody tells you, “Love it or leave it,” you say right back, “There is no love greater than dissent.” And that’s been equally true under Obama. The Affordable Care Act is imperfect. The dissent against it was not great, however constant it has been.

The Republicans will try to “repeal and replace” Obamacare with, from the looks of it, an even worse system. The result will be the same sort of outcry: “Repeal and replace GOPcare.” There will be outcries if they touch the ban on rescisson, the ban on denials for preexisting condition, and the like. There will be labor strikes if they go too far.

As I said in my previous post, air guitar is prohibition. It may last awhile, and it’s a stupid idea, but America will fix it in time. Damage control is the watchword.

The GOP Crossroads

We’ve been at a crossroads for election after election. What’s the deal?

If you watched the second 2016 GOP debate, you would have heard a very different picture painted of the world than the one you likely see. Many of the candidates portrayed the 2016 election as a crossroads or a chance to change the direction the country is heading, things like that.

If you listened to Mike Huckabee’s fantasy spiel of what the world would look like after he got done with it, you probably laughed or threw up in your mouth a bit.

The country isn’t at a crossroads. The GOP is, has been, and will remain there until they can admit reality.

The fact that defunding Planned Parenthood is actually a serious consideration of the candidates for president in 2015 is very telling. As is immigration. As are nuclear launch codes. Vaccines even impinge on freedom, apparently. To hear them tell it, President Obama has planted landmines in all the school playgrounds throughout the land.

In 2012 we thought we had a clowncar. In 2015-2016, we apparently have the GOP rodeo clowns running for president.

Build a wall on our border with Canada, says one. We need to track visitors like shipping companies track packages, says another.

I am not afraid of idiots, nor embarrassed by them, but I am surprised by them. The failures of logic in their statements, such as how we can neither afford to do anything about atmospheric carbonization, nor could we make a whit of difference if we tried, and yet we must not disrupt ourselves (atmospheric carbon will be a major disruption over time), and yet we are exceptional in any other crisis (then why can’t we do anything about carbon?).

ISIS is, apparently, an existential threat to the United States of America. A problem for the world? Sure. But an existential threat?! Meanwhile, the aforementioned carbonization, while probably also not a true existential threat, certainly ranks much higher. The GOP pretends it’s nothing to care about.

The Twilight Zone Party seriously believes it can ignore reality.

At the little table, Rick Santorum claimed we should be worried about Islam because many Muslim-dominated nations have polls showing “two-thirds” (only true for a few of the countries) believe the world will end in their lifetimes (the poll was actually about the return of the Mahdi, which is prophesized to be just prior to the end of the world; FWIW, belief that Jesus will return correlates with the Mahdi responses). But in the good old US of A, somewhere around 22% will poll the same way on the actual end of the world (15% worldwide average). Oy vey.

But one of the biggest surprises isn’t the eschatalogical pastimes of presidential candidates, but the meantime that they ignore. The future is changing rapidly, and while they might talk about projections for Social Security insolvency, they had bupkis about where technology will be moving us in the near future. Nothing on automation both inside and outside of the military.

It’s like the biggest changes in the world are completely off their radar. Technology and climate. Big deals. Nothing worth the GOP’s time.

At the GOP’s crossroads, the paths form a figure eight, and they just go round and round in circles. Worst of all, most of the small government party’s candidates kept calling for bigger and bigger government for the fake problems they perceive.