How to Avoid the President

“I have a recollection of him just kind of looking at me,” Comey replied. “I kind of got—his body language gave me the sense like, ‘What am I going to do?’ … He didn’t say anything.”

That was former FBI Director James Comey’s response to Senator Kamala Harris’ prompt about what Attorney General Jeff Sessions did when Comey told him that he did not want to be left alone with President Trump.

It’s a difficult problem. How do you deal with a maniac (that happens to be president)?

First, try not being in the same room with him. If you are never in the room to begin with, you cannot be left alone with him. There are two basic strategies: be in a tiny place he can’t fit in (say, a phone booth), or be somewhere he can’t tell everybody to leave (outside, for example).

If that fails, and you are already in the same room as the president, you should bringing up topics of conversation that he finds either impossible or boring. Policy is a key defense against this president. Always have a briefing book ready to quote him facts and figures. Insist on quoting the most vapid details.

Still, the fool may persist, either asking others to leave, or sending for you directly. Tell him you are taking part in a step-a-thon to raise money for impoverished billionaires, and you can only meet him on stairs. This will also fail, but it will buy you time.

Your window of opportunity now open: dive out the window and run away.

Other tactics to consider:

  1. Get a service dog. The president apparently doesn’t like dogs.
  2. If the president gets you alone, change your voice and explain that it’s your real voice and you’re glad you don’t have to use the fake one in front of him.
  3. Play the copycat game, just repeating whatever he says.
  4. Laugh at everything he says, like he’s just joking.
  5. Perform a monologue. I recommend that of Christopher Walken’s character in Pulp Fiction.
  6. Pretend to hear a weird noise, and every time the president starts rambling, ask if he hears it. Move around like you’re trying to figure out where it’s coming from.