Everybody 2020, part 3

With the 2016 primary season approaching, ongoing look at who the candidates are.

Bobby Jindal

Current governor of Louisiana, he previously served two terms in the US House from Louisiana. He is the first Indian American governor, and looks to become the first president of that ethnic group. On the national stage, he may be best known for his 2009 Republican Rebuttal to the State of the Union. But in the circles of power, he is best known for being awarded the 2011 Thomas Jefferson Freedom Award from the American Legislative Exchange Council, previously won by such stars of politics as George W. Bush (2005) and Rick Perry (2010), both of whom formerly governed Texas, that steroided Lousiana of the immediate west (left) of Louisiana. But they don’t just give the prized TJFA to anyone. You have to be a Republican. Athletics aside, will Jindal see this thing through? It may just come down to whether he can convince the voters he’s the best person for the job.

John Kasich

Governor of Ohio, this guy still hasn’t formally announced he’s running, so I don’t know why I’m writing anything about this laggard. Get your shit together, John.

George Pataki

This former governor of New York, Pataki is… something approaching a Democrat. Pro-choice, mixed on gay rights (pro-rights, but was anti-marriage), for the death sentence (signed a bill to restore it, only for the courts to kill it), pro-health care, pro-environment, anti-eduation… He lost his appendix in 2006, and a decade later he’s running for the top of the world. That’s some turnaround! Even without an appendix, and even though he’s something of a moderate on many issues, this guy might just be a… nevermind. They don’t even have him in the polls.

Rand Paul

Senator from Kentucky, son of Ron Paul, opthu… optha… eye doctor. Rand Paul is from the libertarian fortified compound of the Republican Party. Noted Tea Partier, rated First Blood out of Four Rambos by the NRA, Paul is in favor of reforming everything except guns. Patriot Act? Reform. Foreign Policy? Reform. Safety net? Reform. Taxes? Reform. Will he get his way? Don’t be surprised if you see this guy walking around with a hammer, a nail, and a list of reforms, looking for a door to nail them to. But vandalism has a mixed polling response, so it’s really hard to say.

Rick Perry

Remember way back when I mentioned the Thomas Jefferson Freedom Award? This is that same Rick Perry! What a coincidence, right?! This is his second attempt to tame the drunken beast of presidential politics. A high-school graduate, Eagle Scout, college graduate, former Captain in the US Air Force, former state representative, then three terms as governor of Texas, he’s seen a lot of shit, man. His hard-nosed style of conservativism may just give him an edge in a race full of different takes on conservativism. But it is a hard road ahead.

Looks like about five candidates left. Maybe I’ll go back and do Kasich at the end. Seriously, alphabetical order, Kasich. Ever heard of it? Get in the race when your name is called, for Pete’s sake.


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