Everybody 2020, part 1

With the pack of candidates growing by the minute, one wonders if we will not soon need a constitutional amendment requiring eligible individuals to simply withdraw their names from consideration if they aren’t running. Opt-out instead of opt-in.

Of course, it’s not quite that bad, but what do the current Class of ’16 candidates for the presidency have to offer us?

Governor Jeb Bush

Former governor of Florida, this is Jeb Bush’s first attempt at the presidency. But his family has a history with the office, so his effort should not be viewed as quite the flash in the pan it might otherwise seem. His unique running-while-not-yet-running maneuvers may pay off in the short-term, but it’s not clear if he has the stamina to go 15 rounds in a battle royal.

Doctor Ben Carson

A former brain surgeon, political commentator, and a non-practicing Virgo, Carson only became an official member of the Republican Party in 2014, making him something of a late bloomer. He’s never held an elected office, but he has held peoples’ brains, separated conjoined twins, and still doesn’t believe in evolution, making him not so much well-rounded as lumpy and grotesque. Let’s face it, folks. Brain surgery is a game of micrometers, not the stuff of long-haul politics, so unless Carson promises free lobotomies for all, he’s going to have to pick up a lot of ground to have a real shot.

Governor Chris Christie

Current governor of New Jersey, Christie is known as something of a firebrand, which is defined as “A torch or other burning stick with a flame at one end.” People have some weird ways of thinking of Christie, in other words. In recent years, Christie’s biggest accomplishment has been dodging allegations of corruption in connection with a traffic jam… Huh. He’s also a first-time caller into presidential politics, making him completely normal for this pack of candidates. If he’s able to manage the political highways better as a candidate, he may still have a chance to cruise to victory.

Ted Cruz

Current senator from Texas (did you catch the smooth “cruise” segue from the previous candidate?!), Cruz has a rather unorthodox background. Part Cuban, born in Canada, he scores some points for foreign policy right there, right? Plus, Texas is like a whole other country, or so they say. Although this is Cruz’s first run at the White House, and he is a first-term senator, he’s actually worked in all three branches at the federal level. What I’m saying is he’s a master of Bonsai, the art of branches. He’s hoping to prune his way to electoral success, but his affection for The Simpsons may drag him down among the more conservative elements of his party.


And that’s part one of the rundown of candidates currently running for president. Part two will follow, followed by parts three through … well, the math isn’t important. I don’t even know what some of these symbols mean. There are too many candidates to count… at least until those fingers I ordered show up in the post.