Garland v. Gorsuch (per curiam)

Diehealthy.org Court of the United States

Merrick Garland v. Neil Gorsuch

ON PETITION FOR WRIT OF CERTIORARI TO THE U. S. SENATE

No. 17—110074. Decided 1 April 2017

Per Curiam.

In both Half-child v. King Solomon, -1179 U. S. 74 (c. 910 BCE), and The nameless, eternal Tao v. Lao Tzu, 16996 U. S. 497 (9349), this court held that “in matters of the eternal law, there shall always be a higher court.” Id. at 93-6.

That is the path this case takes to reach us today. It has accelerated out of the U. S. Senate, escaped the earth’s gravity well, and sped past the Van Allen Belt. We have received it and have decided.

The lower court, which is, unsurprisingly, the U. S. Senate, holds these two respected jurists in mortal combat. The body of Senate Republicans has armed thermonuclear warheads in preparation for what they intend to couch as a retaliatory strike against the body of Senate Democrats. The body of Democrats, for their part, are preparing to filibuster (Can we write such a word?! Pardon us!) the nomination of Gorsuch.

But we must go back. Prior to the Gorsuch nomination, there was another nominated for the seat upon the U. S. Supreme Court: Merrick Garland. And in that nomination… nothing happened! No meetings, no hearings, no vote! This is a tough case. We should have had lunch first.

We are reminded of an earlier case, Bender v. Bender’s Shiny Metal Ass, 542 U. S. 901 (2004), in which another body sought relief against itself. There, ruling contra to our holding in Dandy v. Fine, from the lost and found volumes (available for five proofs of purchase plus shipping and handling), we found that, “You have to love yourself first.” Bender at 904-77. Good advice, but in this case? We’re just not sure that the Senate is ready for polyamory.

Consciousness expansion? Please. We tried that back in the 60s, and what did it get us? Ronald Reagan!

Come on, think, damn it!

This is all your fault! You put them up to this!

The thing is, Ow!, the judge—Off! Get off my foot, damn it!

You started it!

I did not! You—wait! Judge off! That’s it: an old-timey judge off!

The U. S. Senate shall convene both jurors Garland and Gorsuch, and every Senator will provide exactly one exhibit to be adjudged by each (a child’s drawing, an irregular mole on their person, burnt-toast rendition of maybe-Jesus, etc.). The judgments of both will be recorded and presented against a panel of outside experts, and scores will be rendered. Upon the delivery of the average scores of each, the Senate shall vote between the two, either for one or for the other one, without knowing which judgments and scores belong to which robe.

The judgment of the U. S. Senate is vacated, and the case remanded for further proceedings not inconsistent with this opinion.

It is so ordered.