Donald John Trump’s Checkers Speech.

Donald John Trump’s own Checkers speech. A parody:

My Fellow Americans,

I come before you tonight as your president and as man whose honesty and integrity has been suggested.

Now, the usual political thing to do when charges are made against you is to try to gut Harvard University. Or blame the illegal immigrants. I don’t believe we’ve had enough of that in the United States, particularly with the present administration in Washington, D.C. To me the office of the Presidency of the United States is a cash cow, and I feel that the people have got to have confidence in the indomitable greed of the man in that office.

I want to tell you my side of the case. I’m sure that you have read the charge, and you’ve heard it, that I, Donald Trump, adopted a dog from one of my supporters.

Now was that wrong? and let me say that it was wrong. I am saying it, incidentally, that it was wrong, not just illegal, because it isn’t a question of whether it was legal or illegal, that isn’t enough. the question is, was it morally wrong? I say that it was morally wrong—if I adopted a personal pet. I say it was wrong if it was secretly given, and secretly handled. And I say that it was morally wrong if anyone got special favors for giving me a dog.

And now to answer those questions let me say this: I do not have a dog. I’ve never had a dog. A dog isn’t worth enough to bother me, when there’s so much money to be made. A dog’s not worth a pardon! And if I had a dog (which I do not, and never have!), it would be too obvious that I am a villain, like in all those films with the dalmatians. My supporters are so dumb that they see me without a dog and cannot see that I am a villain. All it would take is one little tiny dog. A lapdog, probably, but it could be a bigger dog, like Clifford or Marmaduke. But if my supporters saw me with a dog, I would be finished. So there was no dog. I’m telling you, there was no dog.

One other thing I should probably tell you, because if I don’t they’ll probably be saying this about me, too. We did get something, a gift. A man in Qatar heard me on the radio mention the fact I wanted a plane. And believe it or not, the day before I visited the Middle East, we got a message from Qatar saying they had a package for us. We stopped by to get it. Do you know what it was? It was a Boeing 747-8. And I named it Checkers. And you know, the kids, like all kids, love the jet. And I just wanted to say this, right now, that regardless of what they say about it, we’re going to keep it.

One other-other thing I should probably tell you, because if I don’t they’ll probably be saying this about me, too. We did get something, a gift. A man on named Witkoff heard me on the radio mention the fact I wanted a scamcoin. And believe it or not, the day before I visited Cyberspace, we got a message from there saying they had a package for us. We stopped by to get it. Do you know what it was? It was a scamcoin. And I named it $TRUMP, because $BRIBE was already taken. And you know, the kids, like all kids, love the scam coin. And I just wanted to say this, right now, that regardless of what they say about it, we’re going to keep selling it. Phone lines are open now, get them while they’re hot, operators are standing by!

There are a few other-other-other things I should probably tell you (a hotel branding deal in Vietnam, among many others, a fat check from Jeff Bezos for Melania for a documentary about her that he personally had to sit through with his eyes clamped open like in A Clockwork Orange, cheap wristwatches, ugly shoes, unholy bibles), but honestly it’s too much to keep track of. All these people hearing me ask for payoffs on the radio, and they give them to me. I, myself, have to refer to the New York Times’ “Illustrated Guide to Trump’s Conflict of Interest Risks” [It’s a gift link, so call it Checkers.] (What a bad title! They should call it ‘Trump’s Big Beautiful Bribes!’) and the like. And you know, the kids, like all kids, love the payoffs. And I wanted to say this, right now, that regardless of what they say about it, we’re going to keep the payoffs and ask for seconds.

It isn’t easy to come before a nationwide audience and bare your life, as I’ve done. But I want to say some things before I conclude, that most of you will agree on. If I had a dog, you would know I am a villain. I don’t even like saying the word dog, because in some of you it brings the image to mind of me near one, being a villain. So please do not think of me, doing evil, while being near a dog. It’s just something you should not associate with me, or you might get upset about being taken for a ride by a villain. I picked my Secretary of Homeland Security [Kristi Noem] because she murdered her kids’ dog! So quit dogging me about dogs. Dog.

But just let me say this last word. Regardless of what happens, I’m going to continue trying to nationalize Harvard University. I want the government to control private universities and law firms and private enterprise in general. I want to be able to tell Walmart to eat the tariffs and they will have to say “Yes, Sir!” like in the movies. I’m going to campaign up and down America until you’re all a bunch of crooks and communists.

(The above parody is a modified version of the original Checkers Speech. Read the original: “Checkers speech” by Richard Nixon, 1952.)