Everybody 2020, part 4

Marco Rubio

The junior senator from Florida, Rubio is 44, making him the youngest office-seeker of the bunch except for Bobby Jindal (Rubio is 13 days older). But he is younger than Jeb Bush (62), making him the youngest candidate from Florida. Rubio is part of the 2016 wave seeking to latch onto the Hispanic vote, along with Jeb Bush, Ted Cruz, and Donald Trump. But will his youth hurt him in the party that elected Ronald Reagan in his late 60s? It’s too soon to say. Will he bifurcate Florida with Bush? Plausibly. Will he win the nomination?
That question may just come down to whether he breaks out his affection for rap music and drops some beats on the electorate.

Rick Santorum

This guy is running again. Err, he’s a former senator from Pennsylvania, returning for his second attempt at the nomination. He’s from the Jesus wing of the party, but his 2012 results put him as the runner-up to the nomination. But Santorum is no understudy. He’s putting a fresh spin on his 2016 run, breaking out of the sure-thing mold and running a feisty underdog campaign. If Santorum can outlast his opponents, as they implode like the sulfur and fire raining down from the heavens to destroy whatever biblical city God was pissed at for not wearing enough dead animal skins, or whatever, he might just be the last Republican standing.

Donald Trump

A business tycoon from New York City, weighing in at 210 pounds (estimated; Wikipedia didn’t bring the goods for this one), Trump has never run for office before. But don’t let his inexperience fool you. He’s well-versed in sloganese, choosing for his campaign the cry: “Make America Great Again!” Since then, Trump has been running his mouth in an attempt to tarnish the national reputation enough for the slogan to make sense. But, strategy aside, let’s not fool ourselves here, Donnie. Arguably the richest candidate in the race, can your money alone deliver you the nomination? That’s a question for the historians, of course. Donald Trump has never come in second place in his life, and he’s not going to give up this fight easily. He may have the asshole vote sewn up, which is a big deal for 2016. If he can hang on long enough for the other candidates to realize they actually have to compete with his chutzpah, they may drop off like so many Wile E. Coyotes realizing gravity still obtains.

Scott Walker

Walker, Governor of Wisconsin, is placing himself to be the Goldylocks candidate for 2016. Not too old, not too sane, not too compassionate, Walker has gained national renowned for stomping on the ants nest of public unions in Wisconsin, winning a recall election in 2012 and reelection in 2014. The question Walker must be asking himself as he looks to the nomination for 2016, is whether he can replicate that same heady mix of budgetary voodoo and scapegoating that got him this far. If he can, he might just be able to convince the primary voters that the rest of the candidates are public workers and they must go.

John Kasich

Okay, Kasich. Governor from Ohio, former representative for Ohio’s 12th District (outskirts of Columbus, Ohio), Kasich is a late comer to the roster of candidates. I mean, he really just barely made it. I think he’s still hoping someone else will throw their hat in, just so he doesn’t seem as late. He might even risk a snide remark about someone else being late, if that happened. Reports that he felt he was being “fashionably late” have not calmed the waters, and the ongoing scandal over a candidate having the audacity to announce for president as late as one and a half years before the election continues unabated. A former innocent bystander for Lehman Brothers that witnessed first-hand the collapse of the global economy in 2008, Kasich has moved easily between public and private sectors in the past, and may only be running for president to throw the dogs off his scent as he plans another daring switcheroo to the private sector. But assuming he’s serious, will Kasich get the nod? Dunno, but if he does, maybe he will have the grace to not wait months to accept the nomination.


Sixteen. That’s how many of these rascals there are. At an average war chest of something like $20 million (combined) for each candidate, and this is just so far, that’s already around a third of a billion dollars. And this is just the Republicans.